To say that the past few weeks have been tumultuous is sugar coating it with pink sparkly sprinkles. This has been the darkest time of my life, yes, even darker than my 2007 (I didn’t think THAT was possible). I have never been more terrified in my LIFE – where is my life headed? How am I going to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head? What is coming next? And add in two “rain events” (that is what the construction company calls their negligence) and losing my laptop (along with my ability to continue my job hunt), ruining my bedding, mattress etc. I saw a brand new rock bottom – a very terrifying dark place. A place I did NOT want to be in.
My therapist (btw if you don’t have one I highly suggest getting one! I think everyone needs an unbiased person in their corner!) kept telling me to own my feelings and FEEL them, don’t suppress them! For over a month I FELT my anger and my fear and my bitterness and everything! I owned it. It was a very foreign place for me, I always consciously choose to focus on the positive. I have cried every single day for the past month (sometimes more than once but who is counting). It was exhausting, but over the past 3 weeks even if I wanted to “get back up” I was literally being knocked down again and again (see above “rain event BS”). But I felt like my negative emotions weren’t working.
I knew in my bones I had to find a way back to positivity some way! I went to Church on Sunday and the message I took away was to still be of service even in your darkest moments, it hit home. Sun night I went to bed ready to knock this week dead. That was all derailed when I had to miss 2 appointments on Monday when I was locked in my home (4th time since construction <who is counting>). I was feeling defeated – I felt like “see I am trying to get back into the swing of life and another knock down”. I was livid, I did let it ruin my Monday day. But my gut was screaming not to be defeated I knew I had to fight.
I made a Facebook post asking some of the most positive people for help on how I rejuvenate my positivity! I was determined to make it happen. I reopened my gratitude journal and I committed to write 5 items – I ended up writing 4 full pages! And it made me feel amazing. I felt the fight in me reignite (a feeling I have not felt in quite some time)! I felt hope, not hopeless! I had a productive Tuesday, I even went to the Fill-A-Belly event (a grass roots organization that helps feed the homeless and have dinner with them <an amazing org that I adore that I have not had the “energy to participate in since March>). Man, it was just what the doctor ordered! I was dark and almost hopeless yet THERE I was helping others it made me realize I was not as dark or hopeless as I thought! What a revelation THAT was!
My point is that I feel my fight! I feel my positivity! I am hopeful! I have a ton of job things working and I feel like there is a chance things will be ok. I have faith! I think my Joel Olsteen book (thank you, Kim, for an amazing bday gift) is working! But I am feeling like I am climbing out of my dark hole! I see the light, I cannot yet tell how far away it is but I can see it!
I realize how blessed I am! I have an amazing support system (all over the US) who is rooting for me and who are totally supportive of me! My family and friends have been so supportive through this horrific phase and I am feeling so completely blessed!
I am hoping that my next blog is even more positive than tonight’s!