So today, November 20 is the date I hate the most every year. 11-20-07 is the day I lost my mom. It is a pain that is forever burnt into my heart and soul. Some of you know the story of the 2007 drama of people dying back to back to back and the breaking of my foot (again). I won’t rehash it here. But I will say that this day is a day I dread ALL year long.
It is like when Nov 1 hits I know what is coming. As mid November approaches it gets worse. Don’t get me wrong, you know I am a very positive person and I always (try) to focus on the silver lining. THIS is something that I cannot suppress, it is inevitable that there is major sadness and crazy emotions coming.
I find that on Nov 20 I try to stay as positive as I can. I try to focus on all of the blessings and not the sadness. But there is just something about this day, I am bitchy, cranky, emotional, unreasonable just OFF. And I truly honor these feelings, I feel them, honor them and try to reset and focus on the positive.
There is not a day that goes by that I miss my mother. It has been a little while since I have had the instinct to pick up the phone and call her, although she is still programmed in my cell phone. And, 7 years later there are still moments of major sadness when I pass by her email address in my contact list (I can’t bring myself to delete it). But there is something about today that makes it hurt a thousand times worse.
As I get ready to wrap up today I reflect on the past 7 years and all that has changed as a result of her passing. And there really is a lot of good to see. I can feel her with me every single day. I LOVE the nights where she visits my dreams! As I end today I am reflecting on all of the good of the day, the love, the support and some other really good things. I am truly blessed and in a state of gratitude. And I am so grateful for my relationship with the Lord above; I cannot imagine where I would be without my relationship with him.
Oh mommy, I cannot believe you are gone. There are still so many moments of pure disbelief even 7 years later. But thank you for all of that you have done and all of the amazing things you have helped create for me. I would give anything to hear your voice or to have a 5 min conversation with you! I truly hate that you are gone! But I know someday we will be together again. But for now I will live my life here on Earth to the fullest and I will make you proud. I love you so much.