I am not the same person I was a year ago. The major struggles of the past year have changed me. Mostly for the good, but, there are some areas that I am not so sure.
How have I changed? Wow, that is a loaded question!! Here are some examples:
I no longer take a paycheck or a job for granted. Yet, it is still a constant struggle to not fall in to my old frivolous ways. I have a constant fear of being fired for doing something wrong. And even though I am working 14+ hour days and have zero work life balance I am still grateful to have a job. (Don’t worry I AM in therapy working through all of these issues <shameless plug: I highly suggest therapy for EVERYONE>)
I have re-evaluated the role some people have played (or NOT played) in my life during my tumultuous 9 months. There are so people who stuck by my side and supported me no matter what! And then there were some people who were MIA during this dark storm. I love and appreciate both types. For those of you who were here for me THANK YOU, your support means the world to me! And for those of you who were not – thank you too! Thank you for showing me just how much I mean to you, I have moved on without regrets.
I am way more empathetic than I was (and I thought I was empathetic before!). My heart bleeds for those who are struggling financially or those who are out of work. I do whatever I can to support those who are financially strapped or scared and job hunting. I really do try to pay it forward as much as I can.
I also have a new level of anxiety, a social anxiety. A random stranger I met tonight (Krissy from LA you rock!) put it in perspective for me – I am more vulnerable now and therefore more anxious. Crazy that it took a stranger to make me realize that! But it is so true. I AM more vulnerable than I have been in a LONG time (probably since 2007 when I lost my mom) and I think I forgot what it felt like. I am less than thrilled to be working through this but it is a part of my journey so yay me!
I without a doubt think I am a much stronger, more badass person. I do not want to minimize what I went through while being unemployed! It was HELL, pure hell! I have never ever been so scared. There were many, many, many months where I thought I was going to be homeles! I was legit trying to figure out WHAT that looked like – do I sell everything I own? Do I need to give up Gateau to move in with a friend? Etc. But there was a HELL OF A LOT of good that came from my experience too! Sadly, I think some people interpret my positivity and focus on the good as a sign that I was ok and diminish my situation. I am not seeking pity; I am trying to level set that even though I came through this nightmare with my head held high and a positive focus IT WAS NOT EASY!!!
This is the hardest and scariest chapter of my life thus far!
I pray that none of my friends or enemies have to fight this fight. It was terrifying, and I don’t wish that upon anyone!
So I am embracing the new, stronger – yet more vulnerable and fabulous ME! I made it through this crazy, intense, terrifying storm! I am praying for smooth sailing and the chance to rehabilitate myself before I have to begin the next battle.
I AM a badass! And I’ve got this! THANK YOU for being a part of this journey!