The past couple of weeks have been beyond tumultuous! The fact that Gateau and I have been living in and out of motels, has NOT helped the issue. I am working on trying to own my feelings! I am PISSED OFF that I lost my laptop, my mattress and my bedding are ruined! And that I need to have my chair cleaned! OHHHH and my floor lamp is broken!!! That is a new find, yay!! I am mad as hell that because of someone else’s negligence I am suffering! Granted I do have a new laptop, and I am grateful! However I am still pissed that I lost ALL of my info on MY laptop and now I have to spend my $$$ (Which I don’t have) to have it transferred over OR try to be techie and do it myself! I am pissed!
I am so pissed off that I am in a position of desperation for a job! I hate being in this position! I am trying and trying to support myself but I have yet to been given the chance to do so! I am so mad that I am in this space. And, I am beyond scared! I am trying EVERYTHING possible, and I have been since I lost my job in March! I am just so pissed and I hate feeling so desperate! What happens if…I can’t even really allow myself to go there! I semi go there and I freak out (ask my friends) and panic. Success is my only option!
I am in this alone, yes I have amazing friends and family and I am beyond grateful! But I don’t have parents; I don’t have a fall back plan! I can’t “go home” it is succeed or fail, cut and dry. And ya know what, that scares the living shit out of me! I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders! And that feeling overwhelms me! It really does! I know I am surrounded my amazing friends and family who support me, but it still feels like I am in it alone – it is a feeling I can’t explain!
I hate feeling like I am not in control! And I am not; God is. I am trying everything possible to enhance my life! I am job searching and trying to make things better. Despite my best efforts nothing has panned out YET!
I am working on having faith. I have blogged before that having faith is HARD! And I feel like it gets harder and harder each day! I do know tonight my needs are cared for, I hope tomorrow that is the same. I am trying to do whatever I can to provide a salary to support myself!
I am really resentful that despite my best efforts I feel like I am getting nowhere!
What do I do? What comes next? I am trying to come to terms that I may not know. And that all I can do is what I have been doing – everything I can to find a job and really have faith that God will take care of me!
I have never been more scared in my entire life!
This blog is not meant to ask for pity, but, for your prayers and positive thoughts and positive feedback! I appreciate you in advance!